My Lady Friend Will Have A Beer, I’ll Have A Malibu Bay Breeze, Straight Up, Hold The Umbrella.

Anybody who knows me knows that I hate umbrellas. I don’t hate the collection of materials that make up an umbrella, but rather the act of using an umbrella. Yes they serve a very practical purpose, and yes I like to remain dry when I’m fully clothed, but there is just something very dainty about the way you have to hold those things. Before you even ask the question, yes I am confident in my manhood. And no, I have nothing against gay people. In fact, my dad’s gay. And besides, trust me when I tell you, I do plenty of other things that might lead someone to question my manhood. For instance, I structure my entire shower routine around making sure to leave the conditioner in for at least 90 seconds. And I often adhere to the “rinse and repeat” suggestion. (The mere fact that I have a shower routine and read the back of the shampoo bottle should be an indicator.) So my gripe with the umbrella isn’t that I think I look a little light in my galoshes, but that it is a very unnatural pose for me to hold. My arm at a 90-degree angle, all stiff and uncomfortable, I look like a robot walking down the street.

The few times I’ve had to use an umbrella I’ve realized just how bad I am at operating one. (For a reference on my stupidity please visit the past post, ‘Mensa called, they’d like you to join their janitorial staff.’) I have a habit of concentration on only protecting the front of my body, leaving my whole back exposed to the rain. Or when sharing, I tend to hook myself up with a little dry safe haven while my partner, usually a girl, gets drenched.

My other umbrella issues include inconsiderate umbrella users that threaten the safety of my cornea, those who use umbrellas on sunny days (excluding the elderly and albinos), and people who like to jeopardize my recent string of good luck with an open umbrella indoors. So if you see me sopping wet after a rainstorm you’ll know not to ask why I didn’t use an umbrella. In fact, just look the other way.