I Would Have Shit My Pants If I Weren't Already On The Toilet.

Quirky trick birthday candles, though obnoxious, never present any real danger. Trick toilets however, come with serious consequences. Yesterday I had the displeasure of dropping trough on a bowl that when flushed, first rose before retreating. The sheer horror that ran through my mind is difficult to put into words. It's like when you tip back in your chair and get that quick queasy feeling in your gut a split second before you think you're going over. Unfortunately for me, that feeling was not fleeting; it remained until the ordeal worked itself out.

Instantly, my brain was catapulted into damage control mode. Turn off the water source to the toilet, search for a plunger, think of someone else to blame, turn on the sink so people outside can't hear me struggling. With all the commotion, I forgot two key steps in the "Oh shit the toilet is about to over-flow process." First and foremost, wipe your ass, dumbass. Second, before flipping out and loosing your cool, confirm that the toilet is in fact over-flowing. In this instance, it wasn't. When all was said and done, there was a brief sensation of exhilaration, followed by unwarranted chaos, and an awkward post wipe. For my next mid-day adrenalin rush I hope to keep my pants securely fastened to my waist.