I Feel Like A Lab Monkey When I Use A Vending Machine. Koko Like Kit Kats.

When I punch in the coordinates to a highly anticipated treat, I hold my breath for fear that the coils will not spin my snack free. I have very little to base this anxiety on since as far back as I can remember, I think I've had maybe two or three things get stuck in the mechanical snack czar's grips. Usually if it happens I just shake the shit like a newborn until my goodies are released. I refuse to be one of those suckers who's proactive solution is to continue to feed the machine with money in hopes that eventually the back up of candy will relinquish at least one of their purchased products. I may have flunked most of my business classes in college, but it doesn’t take a genius to know what a sunk cost is.

Even though I stand breathless until my snack is dropped, the sense of accomplishment achieved when my violent shaking yields a well deserved snack is a great feeling. Just the other day I was walking by the kitchen in my office and came across a woman who had a bag of Smart Choice popcorn stuck in the machine. She was passively tapping on the plexiglass in hopes that the bag would succumb to her lackluster attempt. I knew full well that it wouldn't, so I offered my services. First order of business was to patronize her for putting money in not once, not twice, but three times for a bag of cheddar flavored styrofoam puffs. Second, grab hold of the machine and shake the holy hell out of it. Just as people began sticking their heads out from their offices, two of the bags she purchased fell. My reward? One of her bags of popcorn and a look of absolute astonishment at my willingness to violently shake something for a perfect stranger. My social graces may vary slightly from that of a chimpanzee, however our problem solving methods are one in the same.